Thursday, December 8, 2011
rationalatity vs reality
How do you know when something is real When its genuine and honest and wholesome? How do you know to trust something or someone that seems too good to be true when the past has taught you it always is? What do you do when your mind tells you how wrong something is but your heart screams to you that its the right thing? Love is a fucked up thing. Its almost like a disease or addiction. I crave it. I love to feel love and give love. But this craving of something you cant even hold onto seems like its all a fraud. How do you know when to open yourself up to someone all the way, so that all your walls are down knowing that eventually these things will be held against you. How can you make yourself feel so close to someone that causes your own mind to question your self worth? Things in this world are complicated enough without adding the addition to a person that will change your entire being either for good or bad. Why is it that everytime I argue with the person I love the most, I just want him to hug me and hold me even though Im so angry? Its love. Its cruel. It makes no sense. Its unfortunate that people dont ever feel the love they give away.
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I've experienced all of these emotions as well. In fact, I'd venture a guess that most people experience them at some point. I'm certainly not belittling the emotions you feel. they are very painful, strong, and disheartening.
ReplyDeleteI'm saying this so that you know that you aren't alone.
I spent 13 years with someone only to learn that it was probably never what I thought it was. I took it for granted that she would always be there, that my love was understood. Then, in the process of a single one hour conversation, it was ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor.
I cried, I blamed myself, I blamed her, I blamed the guy she left me for, etc. It's a process, to be sure, as I'm sure you know.
The process tried to teach me that no woman can be trusted. I had 13 years worth of examples that I should never trust another girl with my heart, but my fear of being alone caused me to enter into a relationship with a girl shortly after my divorce.
She was/is a great girl, and we thankfully remain good friends to this day, but we were wrong for each other, and I was still unconsciously grieving for my marriage.
I needed her, but not in the way I needed to need her-not in the right way. I craved love and companionship in much the same way you explain above. I feared being alone, I feared that anyone would ever want me again.
Hey, if she didn't want me, then why would anyone else, right?
Well, it's crap. It took me what feels like forever to realize it, but the simple fact is this-if you lose someone that you had made a part of your life, it leaves a hole. If you try to fill it with someone else while that hole still exists, the plug won't stay in place.
I had to let myself heal in on my own for a while before that feeling of unworthiness went away fully. You can't be all you if there is a piece missing, and you can't be the real you if you fill in gaps in your heart with someone that's only there because you need someone to stem the bleeding.
I see alot of myself in what I read above. I think that what you may need is to find who you are again, to find your way to stand on your own two feet and smile at the same time.
Does that mean that you need to be single? I have no idea. Your guy might think you are trying to skate on him, and all you can do is reassure him and maybe invite him along for the ride.
Just don't neglect yourself in the meantime.
I had to stare my biggest fear in the eye-being alone. I'm proud to say that I think I've finally kicked it's ass. I hope everything works out for you.