Scared and confused.

I finally found the man of my dreams.  He is perfect.  But I dont think I am what he wants.  He used to go out and party and do things with his friends.  He had his truck, the mud runs, going four wheeling and sledding.  Now he says he doesnt want to but I know its bullshit.  I used to love going out dancing, hanging out with friends and shopping.  Now I just stay here.  All the time.  We dont do anything and I dont know that he even wants to.  Its so hard to tell how he feels or what he wants cuz he doesnt talk to me at all.  He opened up to me ONCE.  Thats it.  In seven months.  Its a shitty feeling.  I want to pour my heart out to him and tell him everything.  I have been thru so much and just want to share it all.  Maybe he just doesnt care.  That seems to be his thing lately.  He says he doesnt care about pretty much everything I say.  And even better, he says all the time he would marry me today then he says yesterday that we barely know each other.  WTF is that all about.  I guess him and I are not on the same page.

bitterness.

I HATE LOVE.

rationalatity vs reality

How do you know when something is real  When its genuine and honest and wholesome?  How do you know to trust something or someone that seems too good to be true when the past has taught you it always is?  What do you do when your mind tells you how wrong something is but your heart screams to you that its the right thing?  Love is a fucked up thing.  Its almost like a disease or addiction.  I crave it.  I love to feel love and give love.  But this craving of something you cant even hold onto seems like its all a fraud.  How do you know when to open yourself up to someone all the way, so that all your walls are down knowing that eventually these things will be held against you.  How can you make yourself feel so close to someone that causes your own mind to question your self worth?  Things in this world are complicated enough without adding the addition to a person that will change your entire being either for good or bad.  Why is it that everytime I argue with the person I love the most, I just want him to hug me and hold me even though Im so angry?  Its love.  Its cruel.  It makes no sense.  Its unfortunate that people dont ever feel the love they give away.